11.13.2008

busy like a bee: or am i?

so it's weird to think about what I was doing this time last year because this time last year I was just barely pregnant. (can you be just barely pregnant? i think not.)

this is an image from the weekend we found out we were pregnant when i accidentally had four beers was SO SURE i wasn't (oh those cramps! tricksters!) and we were preparing to go on a mexican fiesta vaca. (for the record, karl and i had a big(ish) fight the night before we found out about something stupid that i don't remember.
we were too shocked to continue that fight! instead, i made him buy me multiple brands of pee sticks. ah, marriage.)

things are weird lately. i feel very out of touch with everyone and everything. when i am at work, i can barely concentrate on work. when i am at home, i stress about the work i didn't get done or need to do. i bring work home but never do it. when i talk to people, somehow conversations find their way back to labor and breastfeeding and babies! i try really hard to remember birthdays and anniversaries like i normally would, but find them slipping by. it feels like any task i set out to do, i get distracted. my bathroom is filthy. (good thing i don't have to deliver any babies in there this week.) i have conversations with people but have the odd feeling that i have had that EXACT conversation with that person before. (but i can never be sure so usually i just keep going!) i forget to call people back (personally not professionally.) i take days to respond to emails (again personally not professionally) and sometimes trail off in the middle of IM conversations and forget i was talking to that person. sometimes i forget to shower. my list making skills have gone to the wayside. i don't even write things down just to cross them off anymore. i barely write things down at all. (and i am kind of a list freak!) sometimes i panic if i realize i haven't thought about the baby in a certain time frame. i have all these ideas i want to blog about, but then forget them when i sit down to blog and worry that blogging is cutting into my time with karl, time with nate, time with my pillow and blankie. i want to work out and know i could make time, but it feels overwhelmingly impossible. (and I KNOW it's NOT because somehow i have managed to finish almost three of the twilight books!) i dream about all these random projects i want to work on, but never start them. when 3 p.m. rolls around during the work week, ALL i can think about is leaving. then when i get home with the baby, i think i should have left him at daycare longer. i worry i am not pulling my weight at work. i worry i am wasting my precious time with the baby if there is a show on i really want to watch (i know, ridiculous, right?). i worry people will think it is odd if i tote my child with me to dinners and movies and parties and weddings and vacations.

how do i get back on track!? how do i focus!?! or am i forevermore corrupted by this crazy mom-brain thing i have going on? will i always feel this scattery and boob-focused? (i swear i think about them more than my husband. for the moment, i have readjusted my exclusive breastfeeding goal to 6 months.)

(i do, thankfully, remember to pay the bills.)

see? this blog is even weird and all disconnecty. HELP!

i am now going to shut my eyes and shut my brain. i know a panic, scattered post like this is not that entertaining to read. (AND that i wrote a similar one a few weeks ago - again with the repeating!) please forgive this crazy woman who has taken over my brain and body. i guess i can't really promise the old kat will return, becasue i seem to have morphed into some new, different version of myself. (who needs to learn how to relax and enjoy herself again!)

also, the astronaut with a diaper? that is my cousin anna - she is preggo my leggo and having a boy! (current name: rocco. love it.)

4 months, 2 weeks, 4 days


16 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sounds like a bit of post-partum depression to me. And a touch of "mom-nesia," as a friend who is also a new mom described it. I think it's totally normal, but you might want to have a little check in with your doctor, just to be on the safe side. He/She might have some ideas for how to get back on track and could also give you a time frame for that--i.e. when you should start worrying. My guess is "not yet." :)

msfleurette said...

aw kat, you sound a bit frazzled... i hope everything is okay. i think it is probably normal, this switch-a-roo life that you're in the middle of... but it also sounds like maybe you need to take some time just for kat? like handing the nater over to his daddy and getting out on your own? i dunno... i am certainly no expert. but your post did remind me that it is time to take my birth control pill, so that is good. ;)

Stacia said...

I think you need a girl's night, now!

Matt and Natalie said...

Kat-
You need to go to the doctor. This is totally normal for new Moms, but you definitely show a significant amount of signs of PPD(post-partum depression)-take it from a person who worked in the field. Your Dr. can help you decide what the best way to treat this is. But please, DO NOT ignore it or think you will be better in a few days. And most of all, do not be embarassed or ashamed. Its ALOT(understatement here) for Moms to take on a house, job and baby.
Hope you take advice from family & friends,you will definitely feel better!
Cant wait to see you guys NYE!

Emily R said...

I'm right there with you...just a couple of months behind. I hear it is normal, we DID just have a HUGE change in our lives :) Hang in there!

Momma Dill said...

Don't worry Kat, you are okay! Take a little time for yourself, not so much that you feel guilty, start out slowly. Hire a housekeeper! Seriously, especially with the holidays coming. It is something I wish I would have done years ago when all the kids were home. You are working and being a great mom, you do not have to clean your own toilet. Have them come every two weeks at first. Spend some time alone with Karl, you will both enjoy it. You will slowly get back to doing what you feel is important. I agree though, talk to the doctor about it or get involved with a MOMS group in person or online to share concerns. I spent many hours sitting on the couch crying alone when I first became a mom but then it changes, really. Your body has been through a lot, physically, mentally and emotinally. Give it a chance to recover! Love You Guys.

Nicole said...

Kat - you are always welcome to join me at War Memorial Fitness. I take a hip-hop dance class on Tuesdays (from 6-7 p.m.) and Saturdays (from 9:30-10:30 a.m.) It's so much fun to listen to booty music (by Beyonce, Usher, Chris Brown, etc.) as I attempt to follow the instructors' leads. My hips might not move like theirs, but I have fun trying and typically work up a good sweat. I laugh at myself quite often. I also attend a weekly Pilates class there. It's on Wednesdays (from 6-6:45 p.m.). It does amazing things for your back and abs...

Classes are $5 each. You can also pay by the month. $37.50/mo. gets you into all classes plus access to all the machines, weights, indoor pool/hot tub and water aerobics classes. It's $52/mo. for couples, if Karl wants to join, too.

For me, exercise and sleep are the best medicines. Though I don't have a little nater-tot at my house yet. Good luck! Hang in there!

p.s. I believe this is my first post... hooo ahhh!

brooke said...

my love, you're normal - just being hard on yourself as per usual. i don't think you need to be diagnosed yet! i hope to see you soon and i love you tons! :)

David said...

Kat, Okay, now you make me feel more normal. That is exactly how I feel. I mean seriously, I could not have written it better. Our babies are only two weeks apart and I feel that same way. Everyone keeps telling me it is PPD, but I don't think that is it. I think it is just learning to manage my time way differently. I have two exercise machines sitting next to me and I think I have used them twice since I gave birth!!! Don't think you are alone, I am right there with you. Email me anytime if you want to meet up for a playdate and we can vent :) aekelly21@yahoo.com

Jennifer said...

I mean this in no rude way towards anyone else but I do not thing you have PPD. Maybe just because I know you so well, but you are fine. I think everything you are feeling is totally normal. I love you!

Anonymous said...

Hi Kat! Sounds like you have tons of friends and family that really cares about you. While you might not have extreme PPD, you are experiencing an extended period of baby blues. I focused my research on this while I was in grad school. I would highly suggest making an appointment with your doctor so that he/she can keep an eye on you. Be open, really open with Karl so you can both go through this together. Chances are, he is also feeling overwhelmed with this new life change. You might also want to make an appointment to see a counselor who specializes in PPD. Afterall,where else can you talk about yourself for an entire hour and have someone really listen to you?!? TRUST ME, IT IS SO LIBERATING AND REFRESHING!!

Maria said...

I could have written this post myself last year. I probably wrote something similar. I had a major identity crisis, followed by how in the world do I balance work with baby with spouse. It's a hard transition. If you look through a list of the baby blues/PPD and find you have the symptoms, do get help. There are even medications that can be taken while nursing. Hugs, love, and all that.

Anonymous said...

You are fine it's a hard adjustment that takes some time even after each one of my three children there is a huge adjustment and it takes some time. All of a sudden life is all about one person and that one person is someone other than yourself. You are a wonderful mother because you are having these feelings. If you were not I would be worried. Taking to much time out for yourself right now will make you feel guilty so my suggestion is to not worry about anyone but your family and don't worry about every missed call or email your friends will understand.

Leah Billings said...

Anytime you and Karl need a date night, call me. It would be a treat to babysit little Nater. Seriously, I meant it. :)

Jax said...

Hi love!! You're likely getting a case of the "I wanna do it alls" You dont need to, though!! I think everyone has these moments.. Think of how you felt when you got out of college.. I know what it was like when I graduated law school...I was like "wait..should I be doing this...or that...or this..or wait.." I mean.. milestones change your priorities and your activities. Takes awhile to reach equilibrium again. So, know you've got an awesome support system no matter what!! :) You're just gettin back to a new sense of normal, that's all... :) XOXO!

Susan said...

You just need a bottle of whiskey! JUST KIDDING! You're normal. I had this phase too; it is that though, just a phase. And, I didn't even have a full time job in the picture. But if it'd make you feel better, go to the doc. Couldn't hurt, only a co-pay, right? I soooo need to excercise too. I just feel sorry for myself that there is no time without surrendering time with Seth. I hate to leave as soon as he gets home, but I refuse to get up at 5:30 a.m. when it's freezing outside. Did we used to do that?! Time, my dear friend, time!