so, yep, i quit my job.
i don't really know what to say. i don't know how to explain how i need to do this right now. how it feels right in my bones.
i am officially joining the ranks of the stay at home mamas. initially, i also have the opportunity to help out my inlaws for awhile.
i went back to work after maternity leave. i tried and i tried hard. i have been back for eight months and it just hasn't gotten easier. if anything, it has intensified for me lately. (thank you, marketing director at local commercial real estate agency that made me want to drive my car into a wall today!) (nah, not really. it's not the work; my job was fine though i was having difficulty getting invested with clients and campaigns and meetings and the such like my prior work self). it's not guilt of NOT being with the baby (though there was quite a bit of that in the beginning), it's the desire to be with him that is driving me.
i close my eyes and see nate in a swimming pool, nate running (ok, that is a stretch... stumbling...) through a sprinkler, nate with red popsicle juice dripping down his face, nate slathered in sunscreen, nate reading books at the library. (sorry - summer is on the brain. it hit 90 degrees here today.) and you know what? i also see nate screaming and nate whining and nate with runny noses and shitty diapers. (literally. yuck-o.) and me sighing and sucking it up and maybe tying a clean shirt around my face to keep from gagging and wishing i was at work bitching about crappy ad images and slacker designers.
as one of the first of my close-knit group to have a baby, this feels like something CRAZY though there are mamas everywhere that do it and struggle with this same decision. some work by choice and/or by necessity and some stay home by choice and/or by necessity. everyone's situation and desires are so different, right?!!? (thankfully, my close-knits have started popping out babies so we can change and grow as mamas together.)
this whole work life balance thing is crazy. karl is busy all the time - with work, with new projects, with everything. our house is constantly filthy (not dirty. filthy.), our food is generally take out (hello twenty extra pounds!), we can't figure out who is going to take nate to the doctor or stay home with him when he is sick, our stress levels have been (on and off) outrageous. this needs to happen. so maybe right now i am choosing the life part so karl can focus on the work part. is that a balance? does that sound naive? ha. not sure, but we are going to find out.
i have to try it. i have to give it a go. for all our sanity. i feel quite lucky and thankful that we are able to do this right now. as i have told many people (ahem, mom!), it's not like i will never go back to work (and, yes, i realize what the unemployment rate currently is and how 'bad' the economy is currently.) but it's a risk we are going to take. (and, if you believe it, we do have a bit of a safety net.)
so, yep, here i am in a city i never thought i would be in (5 years later, thank you very much), married to a man i never thought i would marry (first date at the whataburger for breakfast toquitos at 3 am, what! what!), doing something i dreamed about (staying home with my babies) but never really thought would happen.
so there's that. (this is my new favorite expression by the way.) (you don't say it matter-of-factly; you say it dryly like i'm-just-throwing-it-out-there.) (go on, try it again.) so there's that.
i need to see.
it feels a little like jumping off a cliff. (deep breath, GO.) (or, well, what i imagine jumping off a cliff might feel like as i am not familiar with people that actually do that.)
(it's exciting. i am excited. we're excited.)
hope you stay with us. i promise not to cover you in snot-filled and crusty-faced kid news for all of eternity.
9 months, 4 weeks.
i am officially joining the ranks of the stay at home mamas. initially, i also have the opportunity to help out my inlaws for awhile.
i went back to work after maternity leave. i tried and i tried hard. i have been back for eight months and it just hasn't gotten easier. if anything, it has intensified for me lately. (thank you, marketing director at local commercial real estate agency that made me want to drive my car into a wall today!) (nah, not really. it's not the work; my job was fine though i was having difficulty getting invested with clients and campaigns and meetings and the such like my prior work self). it's not guilt of NOT being with the baby (though there was quite a bit of that in the beginning), it's the desire to be with him that is driving me.
i close my eyes and see nate in a swimming pool, nate running (ok, that is a stretch... stumbling...) through a sprinkler, nate with red popsicle juice dripping down his face, nate slathered in sunscreen, nate reading books at the library. (sorry - summer is on the brain. it hit 90 degrees here today.) and you know what? i also see nate screaming and nate whining and nate with runny noses and shitty diapers. (literally. yuck-o.) and me sighing and sucking it up and maybe tying a clean shirt around my face to keep from gagging and wishing i was at work bitching about crappy ad images and slacker designers.
as one of the first of my close-knit group to have a baby, this feels like something CRAZY though there are mamas everywhere that do it and struggle with this same decision. some work by choice and/or by necessity and some stay home by choice and/or by necessity. everyone's situation and desires are so different, right?!!? (thankfully, my close-knits have started popping out babies so we can change and grow as mamas together.)
this whole work life balance thing is crazy. karl is busy all the time - with work, with new projects, with everything. our house is constantly filthy (not dirty. filthy.), our food is generally take out (hello twenty extra pounds!), we can't figure out who is going to take nate to the doctor or stay home with him when he is sick, our stress levels have been (on and off) outrageous. this needs to happen. so maybe right now i am choosing the life part so karl can focus on the work part. is that a balance? does that sound naive? ha. not sure, but we are going to find out.
i have to try it. i have to give it a go. for all our sanity. i feel quite lucky and thankful that we are able to do this right now. as i have told many people (ahem, mom!), it's not like i will never go back to work (and, yes, i realize what the unemployment rate currently is and how 'bad' the economy is currently.) but it's a risk we are going to take. (and, if you believe it, we do have a bit of a safety net.)
so, yep, here i am in a city i never thought i would be in (5 years later, thank you very much), married to a man i never thought i would marry (first date at the whataburger for breakfast toquitos at 3 am, what! what!), doing something i dreamed about (staying home with my babies) but never really thought would happen.
so there's that. (this is my new favorite expression by the way.) (you don't say it matter-of-factly; you say it dryly like i'm-just-throwing-it-out-there.) (go on, try it again.) so there's that.
i need to see.
it feels a little like jumping off a cliff. (deep breath, GO.) (or, well, what i imagine jumping off a cliff might feel like as i am not familiar with people that actually do that.)
(it's exciting. i am excited. we're excited.)
hope you stay with us. i promise not to cover you in snot-filled and crusty-faced kid news for all of eternity.
9 months, 4 weeks.
