6.02.2010

the ugly miscarriage post

::heart sink::

So, yea, you know how I was all 'I'm afraid to tell the world I'm pregnant but I'm going to do it anyway!?' (Look at me! Last time everything was fine!)

Yea. Well, I'm not anymore.

Pregnant that is.

As stated in my pregnancy announcement post, I hope you will listen now and be supportive. I'm going to be open and honest and tell you some of the gritty details so, if you don't want to hear about them, stop reading. I'm not going to stop sharing.

I started having some light spotting and bleeding yesterday when I woke up. It was pretty brownish in nature so I was hopeful it was just normal implantation bleeding or spotting or old blood or one of the many other reasons one might bleed in early pregnancy. I called my midwife and we talked about it. There was little cramping so we decided to just keep an eye on it and hope it stopped. I rested and took it easy all day. Fast forward to the early afternoon - bleeding increasing a little, cramps increasing. (For the record, I had a ton of intense cramping with Nate's pregnancy so I was trying not to freak out too much.) After talking to Kim some more and my friend Jaime (also L&D nurse), I decided if I woke up with any blood at all, I was going to call the doctor for an appointment.

Needless to say, I woke up bleeding (still not enough to soak a pad but bright red and enough to be worrisome) and put a call in the moment my clinic opened. The office was able to get me in and my friend Jaime (& her beautiful newborn Sadie) were able to go with me. I was unsure if I wanted anyone to be there, but I will be forever grateful she was. The details are not so important here... Sweet Doctor Simmons performed a vaginal exam - I was super embarrassed to have him look IN THERE b/c I was bleeding and he was like "you know i deliver babies through vaginas all day, right?" (oh, right.) He took a peek and decided we needed a vaginal ultrasound (my first ever!). The tech was backed up and the doctor let us wait in his office for thirty minutes (which was super sweet b/c Sadie needed to nurse and I needed to CALM DOWN and not in front of a waiting room full of strangers).

The ultrasound tech wanded me (weird). I feel like I knew what the doctor was going to say before he opened his mouth, but there is something about SAYING IT OUT LOUD that makes it official. He gently put his hand on my knee and said "I'm so sorry." The great thing about Dr. Simmons - he genuinely was sorry and took the time to look me in the face and tell me. I let a few tears slip out in that room... not great, racking sobby tears but the three or four down your face/raggedy breath/super sad kind of tears. We went back to his office and discussed options (wait it out vs. d&c). For several reasons, I am opting to let it happen at home. This means passing quite a bit of blood and tissue. It's ugly and not over yet. And it hurts. The doctor offered me percocet and I (who turned my nose up at Ibuprofen immediately following my drug free birth and have swallowed maybe three or four pain killers in my life) jumped at that prescription and filled it immediately. I've taken my first one this evening and JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH when you don't take medicine ever, THAT SHIT WORKS. I feel super drunk RIGHT NOW. (Karl's mom has Nate overnight.)

So many things have been running through my mind since I started bleeding yesterday.... I shouldn't have been working out, I shouldn't have been lifting Nate as much, I shouldn't have had that ONE COKE that ONE TIME, I should have slowed down more, slept more and eaten better, been in better shape to start with. I shouldn't have been so confident about it. I shouldn't have told everyone so early (ugh.). I should have slept on my left side more. I should have done x, y AND z. But the truth is none of these things would have made a difference. This pregnancy was not meant to be. Sometimes miscarriages just happen.

At just under 7 weeks, It feels like my body is betraying me even when, deep down, I know it's doing what it needs to do. I feel sad. I cry. I wander around doing normal things - like going to the store and dropping Nate off at school - wondering HOW THE HELL everyone else is acting so normal when I'm BLEEDING PEOPLE!! I dream of chasing my newly discovered percocet with a half bottle of vodka and maybe a few illicit cigarettes (naughty). I cringe at the awkward conversations I will be having in the near future with both friends and acquaintances - people (myself included) never seem to know what to say about a miscarriage. I want it to be acknowledged but I don't want it to be uncomfortable - is that even possible?

The doctor recommended waiting two complete cycles before we try again, but, I have to be honest, right now I feel like waiting another few YEARS before trying again. I still love pregnancy and being pregnant and babies and encourage my friends and family to get pregnant (HEAR THAT? DO IT!). I am thrilled for all my friends going through pregnancy currently and with new babies. I continue to be deeply appreciative for what I have and I know everything is going to be fine. I know women go through miscarriages much later than me or have birth complications I didn't have. I know I am lucky to have a crazy large support system. Don't get me wrong: the situation still TOTALLY BLOWS and I'm still pissed off about it but it's going to get better.

So, that is that. GAH. Fuck you, June 2, 2010.


43 comments:

Jax said...

I'm so sorry, love. So so so so sorry. I love you and hate that you're going through this. Sending a lot of hugs and love... I wish I could say something to make it better... Just know you're in my thoughts and prayers.

Amanda J said...

Kat I'm so sorry! And you're right, there isn't anything anyone can say or do to take your pain, emotional/physical away. If there was, all of your mommy friends would jump at the chance to make it better for you!! Please know that you and Karl are in my thoughts and prayers!

Leah Billings said...

I love you, friend. And I love that you are willing to be so open about your life experiences.

I'm so so sorry that this happened. I'll be saving up a great big hug to give you the next time I see ya.

Ashley said...

I have been a silent blog reader for awhile. But my heart goes out to you tonight. In December I had an ectopic pregnancy and it was honestly one of the hardest things to deal with, especially emotionally. I took joy in seeing my 1 year old smile and all of his hugs and kisses. And I know your son will be a light to you right now. When you don't want to smile, you won't be able to help but laugh at him. All your thoughts are totally legit right now too. Praying for you during this trying time.

s a r a h said...

wish i had the words.
thinking of you.
much much love.

Christine said...

I'm sorry. Know you are in good company. I miscarried at 7.5 weeks the weekend before mothers day. You and Karl are in my thoughts.

Megan said...

kat i' m so sorry. i can't even imagine what you must be going through. let me know if you need anything. love love.

{lauryl} said...

I don't really know what to say other than... I am so very, very sorry. Love you. xoxo

m-m-m-melissa said...

love you so much, ladybug. love you love you love you.

Anonymous said...

I'm SO very, very sorry, my dear. Don't torment yourself with the what-if's/should have/could have/would have thoughts. I know that's easy for me to say. Grieve the moment and the loss, but try not to blame yourself.
You are loved.

Rina the Mama Bear said...

*hugs* and *prayers* and *thoughts* I know there isn't anything I can say but I want you to know I'm thinking bout ya.

Bethany said...

I'm so sorry Kat. Like several others have saud, I wish I knew what to say to make it all better. Take care if yourself, you are in my prayers.

Kyndal said...

Ugh. Kat, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how much your heart hurts right now. Praying for God to heal it.

Jennifer said...

Love you so very very much. Wish I could wrap my arms around you right now and give you an enormous hug. Hang in there sweetie.

Kelli said...

I'm really sorry. I can't imagine what this feels like for you. I mean this is a good way, not the shitty sounding way that I know it will come out, but for whatever reason, THIS baby wasn't meant to be. It doesn't mean the next one wont be perfect.
Try again when you're ready. Good luck. Thinking of you.

Kelz World said...

I am so sorry! ive never had a child or miscarried one so i honestly cannot say i know what your going through or even imagine the pain both emotionally and physically. You are a fighter and a very strong woman so i know you will get through this with lots of laughter, love, beer, and grace!

Audreya said...

Like you said, there's no 'right thing' to say... and even if there was, I'm not usually the one who comes up with it. Just know you're in my thoughts and prayers. You're so brave to share this with everyone and I'm hoping you can feel us all hugging you!!

Natalie and Matt Dill said...

Wish I had something really profound here....Just hope the love & support of your friends gives you comfort. You are so loved and many prayers are being sent your way.
love
Nat, Matt and Annie (of course)

Elizabeth Spann said...

Love you dearly, Kat and Karl. You know you have a gaggle of friends here for you. Please let us know whatever we can do for you... We're right here. Love you so.

Eve said...

Thank you so much for sharing everything with us. I am so sorry that this is happening. I am sending lots of prayers for you and Karl right now. I wish I knew how I could help you right now.

sdhorton said...

I am amazed at your honesty and willingness to share even though it is so painful.You know you guys are in our thoughts and prayers.Love ya!

Aubrey said...

I'm so sorry, Kat. Lots of love to you and Karl and Nate.

Andrea said...

<3 Hugs to you, Kat <3

Angela said...

Ugh Kat. :( I'm so so sorry.

Meredith said...

Ugh, I am so, so sorry, Kat. Thank you for sharing such a difficult and personal experience with us. We all love you very much and are here for you in any way you need.

melissa said...

what an ugly reality you must be wading through. i can't even imagine how horrible it must be, and how much it must hurt, both physically and emotionally. there are a lot of people out here in the world whose hearts are breaking for you this evening.

melissa said...

and, you said it in your post, but it's worth reiterating: you did not cause this. it was a terrible snag in the seamless fabric of the universe and there was nothing, nothing you could do to stop it.

Amy, David, Caroline and Corbin said...

Kat, please know that I am praying for you!! I know the pain you are going through since I had two miscarriages before Caroline. One was very early and the second was 9 weeks after seeing the heartbeat!! Nothing will make it better, but time and lots of prayers. I agree with so many of the other people, don't ever beat yourself up about the "what ifs" There was nothing you did wrong!! Please know that I am praying for you during this difficult time. You have to promise me at some point this summer, we will have a playdate, PLEASE!!!

clif, somer, vivian, bauer & ? said...

love you...love you...love you. hang in there...call if you need ANYTHING!!!

Meredith said...

I'm so sorry Kat. I will be thinking about you and the boys.

Kaitlin said...

So sorry Kat. Thoughts and prayers for you and your sweet family.

Chandle said...

I'm so incredibly sorry, Kat. I love you so much. I hae no idea how to make you feel better, but I'm sending lots of love your way.

Kate said...

oh, this BLOWS. So sorry, Kat.

You are brave for sharing so openly. I can't imagine the pain of going through this, but I do wonder if all women would be better served by everyone being more open and less secretive about it.

Above all else, do not question or blame yourself. You know it, but I will say it again to remind you: nothing you did or didn't do caused this.

Kate said...

i'm so sorry. i remember the day my mom told us about her miscarriage..we had all been so excited. I will pray for your healing, I'm sure all your friends and family will be understanding about your pain. hey, you had a total right to be excited, and now hopefully they will stand with you for the hard part, too. God bless.

blaze said...

I'm so sorry. Much love and prayers and support to you and your family.

Love,
Blaze

Amy B. said...

I'm just now getting around to catching up on my blog reading, and I find this. I am so, so sorry. There's nothing I can say, other than I'm lifting you up in my prayers.

Mothering4Money said...

Oh god, I am so sorry. You are right, it will be awkward for while. People won't know what to say or will say well meaning but hurtful things. And you will keep what if-ing it all while knowing you didn't jinx it and you didn't do anything wrong. It just sucks. So sorry you have to experience this. Hope you are able to heal and find peace.

~Savannah B said...

Well shit.
I am so sorry Kat. If I could, I'd bring you ice cream and a big hug.
Rest for yourself. Kiss that Nate. Make Karl rub your feet.
There will be a new "normal" soon.
Love you.

Aunt Becky said...

I'm late to this, but I'm so, so sorry. I've had two and they're awful. Sending my love. xoxox

Marc and Serenity said...

We are so sorry to hear this. Our thoughts and prayers go out to you. If there is anything we can do to help, let us know.

Everything will work out alright.

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